The Hardest Thing....

I tried to pinpoint the moment I first fell for you...
The moment I realized that you were the only one I wanted...
From this moment on until the next lifetime...
In this world and the next...
There is no one else.

I tried to deny my feelings for you...
I don't know what love is...
And I tried. And tried. But the feelings wouldn't go away,
And so I prayed. And prayed. But they remained the same.

It was always about you.

It wasn't so much the way you kissed me,
Moreso the way you looked at me the moment before.
It's not the way you made love to me,
More like the way you loved me.

And even if you never return these feelings I have for you
I can't go another moment without saying those three words to you
So I hope you take these words and cherish them because this is the hardest thing I've ever done...

...Steph B.More

POEM: "Devol" (and other random things...)

I'm slacking. I know. I know.
But check it...I've been writing short stories, poems, and chapters. And the things I call "Steph's Shorties..." so while I haven't been here, I've been doing it. Plus I'm on twitter...so there's always that. Anyway earlier today I learned Lil Wayne (*smh*) is going to entitle his new album "Devol" and it's full of love songs. I read that as Devil and then realized it was loved backwards...that reminded me of Eminem's song "Space Bound" and that line...

"And love is evol (evil)...spell it backwards I'll show you..." Then I wrote this. So below. My "love" poem entitled "Devol". I hope you like....

"Devol..."

Once upon a time I fell in love with a man who had all the other ladies in the land in the palm of his hand...

But si, I thought I was different than those other ones and went out my way to show him that THIS is where he belonged

And while I could never fully get attention, the few moments shared were enough to make me believe that we could have forever...

I was wrong.

Because the low I have for him could never be enough

The time I spent didn't satisfy his soul

That's if he had one.

That's if I believe anyone has one now.

I could never figure out why he didn't care

...but he claimed he did but that didn't stop him fromt he actions that forced my tears, so if you care like you say you do then why am I crying and why do i pray to God every night to help me forget your face. And each time you leave I pray you come back. No I mean don't ever come back and let this be the end and when you see me don't speak because I could give a fuck less about your new place where you probably have that next bitch and fuck the pleasantries because there is nothin' pleasant about the way you disregarded me as if I'm not anything...

Excuse the rant.

But once I fell in love with a man and all that's left are my tears on his pillow.--Steph B.More

*incase you never heard the Eminem song, enjoy:

Getting Motivated...

I'm terrible guys.
My plan to give up shopping for Lent was a bust almost two weeks after I started. I was actually doing quite good...but those emails never stopped and things I wanted for weeks went on sale. AND then it's this whole "only a few more in your size...". It began with a pair of jeans from American Eagle and ended with a "The Police" sweatshirt from Urban Outfitters.

Now I actually went through my clothes recently and eliminated things I never wear, and never will. That amounted to one md trash bag full of clothing. I didn't even look at shoes because I believe I can sell those on Ebay...(Anyone want a pair of nude Enzo pumps? size 7? Never worn...) but yo...it's ridiculous.

Even more ridiculous is the weight I'm gaining. I'm around 125 now. At my highest after eating, on a bad day I'm 129. I know some of you are saying..."That's NOT a lot" and honestly it's not BUT it's how I carry it. Without working out, the extra weight makes me look a bit chubby. I got a round belly and thick legs. I don't look bad but I know I can be this weight and look healthy. The thing about weight is I can say "Oh this is not that bad..." and months go by and I keep picking up 2 or 3 lbs until it's out of control. I can't let that happen.

I recognize two issues I have: 1. diet and 2. exercise. We all know my diet sucks. It really needs to change and I want it to change. I really need to incorporate more fruits and veggies, less fried food. And exercise? I just don't. I did purchase a YMCA membership from Living Social and the plan is to activate it tmrw (or sometime this week). Tomorrow Kevin Powell starts his 30 day health and fitness challenge.  It basically boils down to 30 minutes of exercise a day for the month of April. I have to start somewhere. I also have been looking at pictures and I feel in love with Massey (Mankofit). I mean she is the perfect mix of healthy, fit, and curvy to me. I don't want to be all brolic like some chicks out here. I'm a small woman...I like my curves, I just want to define somethings. I mean, LOOK at her (she's only been working out a year!!!):

*drools* she is SO on my vision wall.

So yeah in line with Getting Happy is "Getting Healthy". I have began working on my internal health (seeing ALL the doctors, using up ALL the health insurance) and now I need to start working on the outside. I plan to get a bike soon, and I practice my yoga every day. (for balance and focus).

My problem is staying motivated. If any of you have tips on how to stay motivated and cool ways to incorporate working out during the day, I'd love to hear it! If you are in BK and want to join Kevin Powell's challenge (yes there will be in person meet ups!), then click the link above and join the FB page!! It will be awesome.

P.S. Follow me on twitter: http://twitter.com/StephBMore

I Give Up!!!! (This is a post about Lent...)

LOL.
Every time I say I will blog more I get caught up in real life. I find that when nothing is going on in my life, I want to blog more but those are the times I have nothing to blog about. Irony...

Last month I celebrated my 33rd birthday. This is the last time I will mention my age on the interwebs! For my birthday I went to Miami and I have to say I had a blast. Shout out to my girls for making it the best birthday I have ever had. Great food, great weather, great friends, and great parties. And as the great Meek Mill said in his song "Amen", we did Liv on Sunday like a church. (*Note: If you want to see more Miami pics, follow me on Instagram: Steph_Bmore)

Which brings me to now...I have a spending problem. Despite the fact that my flight and hotel room were paid by my loved ones, my ass was spending money like I was a Rockefeller. One good thing about Miami is the food is cheaper than NYC, except pizza. Down the street I can get a good slice for $1 or $2. A slice of cheese late one night in Miami ran me over $3 and it was like not even better than 7-11 $1 slices.

I got back from Miami and started balling. Buying dresses, shorts (why? it's COLD), shoes, books, craisins, hair stuff, whipped products (naturalistas check them here: http://www.whipped.bigcartel.com/), and more...right now I have a pair of camo jeans in my cart on Urban Outfitters waiting for me to purchase when I get my check for tutoring.

I love nice things that's my fucking problem. And yeah I love to shop, I got a shopping problem.

Growing up without a lot will have this affect on you. Now that I can afford it, I want it all. Half the things I buy I don't even need and I rarely wear or even use. I won't even get into the shake weight situation (I used it three times maybe...). These purses, these shoes, all these hair products...I look around my place and I'm like "why"

So for Lent, I'm giving up shopping. Like a no spend challenge except I don't have any passes. Starting Wednesday I can't buy anything that's NOT a necessity. All those emails from Gap, Amazon, UO, Coach...I have to delete them when they pop up, because I need to control my spending. Miami made me realize I really want to travel more and I can't do that if I keep using my disposable cash for things I don't need. Now I did say I can put things in my cart and at the end of Lent if they are still available and I still want them, I might treat myself to a $100 shopping spree.

Pray for the kid....

P.S. I am giving up two more things for Lent...but I won't mention them here BUT if I can do it, I will update you.

P.P.S. Are you giving up anything? If so, what?

2012 Recap: Getting to Happy

Time is flying. As I get older, I realize that all that time I was wishing I was older when I was younger was a waste. Sometimes I sit back and think about those summers off from school, laying in my room watching Jerry Springer (when it was still good) and Ricki Lake, eating Ramen, and drinking sweet ass orange kool aid....I miss that sometimes. Pure happiness.

Life was easier. More carefree. I didn't have bills.

But alas...we get older. And older. And older. But with age comes wisdom. In about 3 weeks I will be 33 (Master Teacher #s). When I was 15, I could never imagine being 33. But that's neither here nor there. 2012 is the reason for this blog.

First off, the world didn't end.
Secondly, I didn't die.

That's enough to make anyone shout hallelujah to the most high. And I am, and I do. All the time. Not that I expected either to happen.

Last year this time I didn't think I'd be in NY another year. At the time, I was part time employed, living in a small not that great room in Crown Heights, and struggling to figure out my purpose. I was stuck in a rut, I'll admit. One of my close friends tried to talk to me about things, and tried to be very supportive but at the same time he had his own issues and two people going through somewhat hard times at the same time can hardly fully support each other as necessary. But we tried and that came to a crash a few months into 2012.

However, sometimes everything must fall apart in order for things to get better.

Weeks after the lost of that friendship, I found myself really trying to focus on what needed to be done in order to make my life better. I couldn't keep sitting around, waiting on God, or man, or anyone...I had to make it happen for myself. So I focused and started doing what I thought would make me happy.

And life got better.

I won't say it was simple to go from hating where you are, and feeling hopeless to being very happy but the first step was deciding that I no longer wanted to be unhappy. I fixed little things. I didn't like my clothes? Fine buy new ones. I didn't like my place? Fine, find a new one. Hated my job? Okay, let's find a better one. (I am being superficial with my issues BUT you get my drift...)

I did all this. And then as I rejoiced in my new found joy, my friend and I reconciled and for the first time in many months I cried because I was happy.

So essentially that's what this post is about...Getting to Happy.

Nothing or no one can make you happy but yourself. The joy you are constantly seeking is inside you...it's up to you to decide that "Yes I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to smile." Happiness is a CHOICE. Choose to be happy. Choose to have joy. Choose to be the best you that you can constantly be.  Choose love...love of yourself first and foremost.

I have no resolutions for 2012. I just want to continue on the path I am and I pray and hope that 2013 continues to bring more joy and more happiness into my life.




P.S. For the first time in YEARS I am celebrating my birthday for real...with my friends in Miami. I'm beyond excited. Sunshine, the beach, drinks, my loves...It just feels so good.